Universal Lies.

I don't want to play that game. I don't want to say what if. What if it was different? What if I had said no? What if I had stayed home? What if I hadn't said that out loud? What if I made a mistake? What if this wasn't how it was supposed to be? What if I was lying? NO. NO NO NO. what if is an awful thing. What if can make you question your entire existance. I don't want to just exist anymore. I want to live. So what...I am on my feet 17 hours a day...I still want to live my real life after the school/work day ends. I still want to have friends. I want to have a life outside of my adult responsibilities. After all, I am still a teenager for 46 more days and 1 hour. My full adulthood hasn't kicked in yet. I have time. I have time to lose sleep and have fun. I have time to not question whether something is right or wrong, as long as I'm living my life to the fullest and having the time of my life. Soon, it will all be different. With some of my best friends here leaving this weekend to all different places all over the world for the next 5 months, and then in 22 days and 12 hours I'm graduating...things will be unreal. This is a huge new chapter in my life. My life is taking a 90 degree turn, and I love it. Some parts of it are going to be harder than others. It will take some adjusting. It will most definitely take a lot of getting used to. It will be a whole new world out there. Living in the real world, getting out of this little sheltered world I've been living in. My life will be surreal. and amazing. and awesome. and crazy. and thrilling. and exciting. and new. and mine. This life is mine. Sometimes I don't believe this is really happening. Is it a dream? There is too much good luck flowing around for this to be my real life. I have an amazing job. An amazing boyfriend. A amazing house with awesome roommates. I have amazing families that love and care for me. I have so many people backing me up that I can't even count them all. I have the best group of hilarious and amazing friends. and so much more. I have so much going for me right now. Sometimes I get caught up on the little things. I catch myself letting little things get me down. Like waking up late, or having to deal with a completely untolerable person. Those things don't matter!! Tomorrow, all of that will be history. and all that is left are the good things. The big things. The happy things. The exciting things. My life. My world. My existance...

spare a dime.

I want to be somewhere warm and sunny. Somewhere far far from here. Somewhere where Monday mornings consist of breakfast in my underwear and shared showers. I want to be there with you. I want to run far away. Sweep me off my feet and kidnap me until we get there. I need a permanent vacation, and every second with you is one. I want to bask in the sun and live in your light. I want to see palm trees and blue skies from my second story balcony window. I want to walk to the ocean and feel the sand between my toes and the saltwater on my face. I want to hold your hand and walk down the boardwalk as the sun sets in front of us. I want to be there with you. I want your soft lips on my cheek and your hand in my pocket as we stand and watch the stars come out, not a care in the world. I want to take a swim beneath the stars, just me and the ocean. I want to love my life for once. I want to be exactly where i belong. I belong in your arms in the sun. I belong on the back of your Harley with the sun on my face and the wind in my hair. I belong on a sunny beach in paradise. I belong in a beautiful kitchen, with a mess of flour and the smell of baked goods. I belong on your lap in the sand giggling and playing without worry of tomorrow. I belong somewhere. I may not belong where I am now. But it's not permanent. I'm not here for much longer, and I am pleased to say that I'm ready for the change. I'm ready to go into the world a strong, prepared, and independent person. I'm ready to change my face into a grin. I'm ready for the rest of my life to begin. Change my world, and I'll change your life. <3 I want you there with me. I hope you realize the extent of that. I want you and me, together, for the longhall. You are something else. You've changed my world, flipped it backwards and upside down like no one ever could, and suddenly everything makes so much more sense. I understand now why I had to have my heart broken so many times before, because if it wasn't for that, I would have never found you. I used to think change was a bad, scary thing. Now I realized that my life changed so I could meet you. My life changed for the better.

a letter to a mom.

I'm supposed to be writing a letter to you mom. I'm supposed to be telling you how I really feel. But the truth is, I don't know where to start. I don't even know if I should call you my mom. Truth is, you were never really there for me. I had a mother, a lady who was there sometimes when I got home from school and that made me go to bed on time, but I didn't have a mom like all my friends did. I didn't have someone that I could talk to about boys and makeup and my friends. I didn't have someone that I could call when I was having a bad day at school that would talk to me while I hid in the bathroom at lunch. I had you. You were never happy with me. Everything I did made you mad. Either I was being too honest or I was lying, it didn't matter, everything I did upset you. It was hard being the only kid in the 8th grade with an 8:30pm bed time. It was frustrating that I couldn't go to basketball and Football games with my friends in highschool because you didn't want to drive me and I wasn't old enough to get my license. It was especially hard when you got sick and dad was working graveyards trying to keep a roof over our heads. All you could do is lay on the couch and eat bubblegum ice cream. It seems like you didn't move for months. I felt like I was the parent. And looking back now, I was. I was always the parent. I was the one telling you to calm down when someone cut you off in the grocery store parking lot. I was the one begging you not to interfere when someone teased me or casey at school, because I knew it wouldn't end well. I was raising a 40 year old Child at 15. I don't know how it happened. And I hated it. But I am so much better for it now. I am independent. I am strong. I am brave. I am successful. I learned so much from your faults and your mistakes. I don't like fear of failure get in my way. I make good decisions. I don't do drugs. I don't go out partying every night. I Am Me. And you made me this way. I am so much better off than I would have been if I had been raised like everyone else. I am a strong, beautiful, independent, bright, talented, brave woman, and I am not afraid to go after what I want. I am going places in life, no matter how many people tell me I'm not. I am going to make a wonderful life for myself. I am going to have a family someday with a husband who loves and adores me. I am going to have beautiful children whom I will love very much and be a wonderful mother to. I am going to live my life to the fullest. So I guess I just want to say Thank You. Thank you for not believing in me, because that made me work harder. Thank you for not being there for me, It made me independent. Thank you for making me the woman I am today. I forgive you, but that doesn't mean I want you in my life. I don't need you in my life. I don't need the stress or the anxiety you cause. I don't need a mother, I never had one to begin with.
Love your daughter.

MLK

I don't know when this happened. Well, thats a lie. I do. But sometimes I feel like its a dream, and I have to pinch myself to remind me, this is my life. It was December 17th, 2011. A night I will never forget. A night I lost one of my old friends, and gained one that will be a part of my life for as long as I can hold on. The first words that came out of your mouth mesmerized me. I felt as if I had known you my entire life. I didn't know how this perfect person had always been within reach, and never fell into my lap before. I couldn't believe how much I told you that night. You found out more about me in 4 short hours, than most people find out in a year. It was like my brains filter shut off, and you were reading me like an open book. I was so nervous around you. You gave me butterflies that I didn't think were possible. You made my hands shake and my knees weak. I tried to avoid you, but even after I fell off the face of the earth for days, you still wanted to see me. So I leaped, and you caught me. I still can't believe how fast I fell for you. Me, queen of falling fast and hard, fell faster and harder than ever before. I was Twitterpated. I am twitterpated. I am the luckiest girl in the world. You and your entire family have taken me in as a part of the family, and I couldn't be happier. I can't imagine ever being happier than this, and then I spend another day with you, and I prove myself wrong. I want to spend every second with you. You are the most amazing humanbeing I have ever met. You are sweet to everyone you meet, and very rarely have a negative thing to say. You are handsome and perfect and amazing and silly and cute and everything I could ever want. You have made me the happiest girl in the world. 12/29/2011 ♥

Jack Daniels.

Far away in dreamland, something in me changes. My heart beats to a different drum. One I have never heard before, one you bring out in me. You've changed things. My set ways, gone. My strong composure and strong will to survive alone, out the window. I don't know how this happened. I am completely vulnerable to you, and I can't handle that. I don't know how to handle that. This is new to me. The new me that is. Moving fast and falling hard, two of the things I used to do best. That part of me is dead, and you resurrected it. I want to hold your hand, touch your face, feel your warmth. But this is short lived. I don't know how to deal with the fact that you're leaving. 3 more weeks isn't enough time for me. I wish you could stay. I wish I could run away. I can already feel the tears running down my cheeks the day you leave. I don't feel like this. I don't know why I feel like this. I don't know how to feel like this. I miss my heart. You stole it. You have my heart in the palm of your hand, and I don't think you even realize it. You are getting on that plane and flying away with it. How am I supposed to feel? Am I supposed to be okay with that? It hurts to know this may never work out how it should. We work. We are good. Me and you. You and me. What else do we need? I'm drunk on you. You give me scary feelings that I've never experienced. But sometimes, you pick me up as high as the sky, and then have to watch me jump. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to fall for you and be okay about it. I want to. I want to fall for you, I want to know what it's like with you. But I don't want to get hurt. I'm scared, so just hold me tight tonight, and let me be alone.

Lilly

Fear; it makes us crazy. Fear can get the best of you in a millisecond. Fear is the strongest emotion, it can make love run, it can make strong quiver, it can make happiness disappear. It causes fights. It ruins relationships, and sometimes even lives. It makes the one person you can't get off your mind seem like the devil, when they are nothing less than an earthbound angel. It throws off our perception of reality. It creates these deep black holes of worry that suck you in and won't let go. Fear is my worst enemy. It isn't a fear of change anymore. I used to fear change, dread the day when even the slightest thing moved out of my perfect alignment. I liked my little 'perfect' life. Everything had its position in the perfection, and the second one hair got out of place, shit hit the fan. Over the years rough circumstances have taught me that change is many times for the better. I no longer fear change. "If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies."
Fear, however, still consumes a great deal of my sanity. The fear of being hurt. The fear of hurting someone you care a great deal for. The fear of loss. The fear of rejection. The fear of the risk. The fear is what is holding me back from jumping into your arms. The fear is keeping my life in place. The fear is eating me inside. I try to run away from it. I try to convince myself its going to be okay. I try and break down the fear. I try to get to the core of it, and make it go away. But its a greater power than me. It's stronger than I am right now. It's The Fear. Fear is my greatest enemy. I will overcome this fear. It may take me a few weeks. It could take me a few months. It might take me a few years. But this fear will vanish into thin air...but not tonight. Tonight I will go to sleep thinking about what part scares me the most. Tonight I will go to sleep thinking of what I should have said to you but was too scared, instilled again by the fear. Tonight I will regret. Tonight I will survive. but tomorrow is still unknown. cross your fingers for tomorrow. Tomorrow I might get up the courage to tell you something about me. Tomorrow I may get up the courage to ask you something about you. Tomorrow I may get up the courage to do what I've been wanting to do for a long time now. I will write tomorrow's page as it comes. And hopefully it comes without the fear. <3

kill to see me fall

So I'm not perfect. my hair gets frizzy at the end of the day, and I don't dye it often enough so my roots show a lot. My socks rarely match. Neither do my outfits. I make lists and don't like to be spontaneous. I basically only watch doctor and crime shows like House MD and CSI. I eat too much junk food and dont excercise nearly as much or as often as I should. I fall in love easily, and get my heart broken way to often. I talk too loud, too much, and too fast. I like to make up stories in my head about what could be happening when you don't text back. I have way too much makeup and perfume that I never wear. I am a sucker for a sale, if it's on sale and I like it, I buy it. I like bows just a little too much. I whine about my bad days. I hate clicking noises. People who chew too loudly or smack their gum irritate me. I don't want to have kids, ever. I really don't even want to get married. I've lost my faith in fairy tales and happy endings. I think true love is a bunch of bull. I've spent the last 6 years of my life wasting feelings on people who don't feel them back. I don't like to walk when the bottoms of my feet are wet. I get acne when I get stressed. I don't sort my laundry properly. I don't like to clean, like ever. I eat when I'm bored. I've forgotten how to drive a stick shift. I spend entirely too long picking out my outfit every day. I am clumbsy, and that usually leads to me getting hurt, a lot. I check my phone constantly, even when I know I have no notifications. I like cookbooks, but I have a hard time actually getting up and cooking myself a meal. I read a little too much, and I pretend I'm a part of the story way too much. I like to have a night light, just incase. I am always prepared for something bad to happen, and almost expect it half the time. I can't draw, at all, except stick figures, and even those suck. This list could go on and on. I may not be perfect. But someone out there will think all of this is perfect. Someday, someone will love me for me, not for what I look like, not for what it will make them look like, not for money, fame, or glory. But really love me for me. Someday might be 2042, or 2012. Who knows? I'm not going to rush it. and I'm done chasing people. I'm the tequila. Chase me if you want me.

my 1am list

I want a guy who will:
-tell me to dress up and take me out to dinner
-Hold my hand
-call me babygirl
-sing with me in the car
-like to hang out with groups of people
-shower with me with no expectations
-not care if my boots are tucked in, untucked, or both
-laugh at my stupid jokes
-let me watch my tv shows sometimes
-hold my waist from behind
-love my love handles
-kiss my neck
-wrestle with me
-tell his parents good things about me
-play with my hair, no matter how frizzy it is
-play footsies with me in restaurants
-take me on adventures
-go with me to the mall and not care if we leave empty handed
-let me hang out with him and his friends
-get dirty/muddy with me at the beach or river
-love my family as much as I do
-bullshit with my dad and papa and not complain about it later
-understand that for the rest of my life I will work crazy/undetermined/late/early/long hours
-understand when Im on my period
-rub/touch my back when Im stressed or upset
-rub my tummy when I feel sick
-let me cry sometimes
-not care if Im texting my best friends
-not care about my past/ let it affect our relationship
-not call me hurtful names
-understand when I have a bad day and dont want to talk about it
-buy me sunflowers and daisies
-call me beautiful/georgous/pretty/cute/hot for no reason
-like me with or without makeup
-write me cute notes
-not care that I'm a little messy sometimes
-go to parties with me and have fun
-understand that sometimes I just need to be with my friends
-suprise me, but not tell me that I'm going to be suprised, I hate the anticipation
-not care that I'm a picky eater
-Love me unconditionally for who I am, all of me.

i wish my life was a book...

I wish I knew how it was all going to work out in the end. I wish the hero's cycle was more than just something you see in books and movies. The hero gets a call to action, refuses, takes advice from a mentor who convinces him to do it, crosses the threshhold into the unknown, faces many challenges, eventually falls into a dark abyss, wins, is transformed, and his life is happy-go-lucky forever and ever. the end. Well guess what, my life cant be predicted like that. I may get a call to action, face many challenges, and be transformed in some way, but eventually it always starts over, same story, new issue, different day. And its always something new. one day its a boy. the next day its a crying best friend. then its drama from back home that I REALLY COULD CARE LESS ABOUT, yet everyone insists that I know. Then its me crying, over this or that. When is my life going to become predictable? oh wait, that would be.....Never? I can cry until I make myself physically sick, I can hold it all inside, I can toss and turn all night because of that one thing on my mind. But none of it matters, because tomorrow is still gonna come, and there will be something new to deal with on top of yesterdays unsolved problems. And everyday after that, a new challenge, no matter how big and dramatic, or small and insignificant. Because this is life. But one day, everything will make sense. It wont be tomorrow, and I bet it wont be the day after that. Hell, it might not even be this year. But in the end, everything will be okay. and if everything isnt okay, then obviously we gotta keep going, because it isnt the end. So for today, shed some tears, call your best friend, blast your music and dance and sing your heart out. Just dont let it affect your whole life, because you have to put on that smile, and go to work, and come home, and do your chores, and continue on. Its just a little bump in the road....

What if

"What if?" is the cruelest two word setence in the english language. It makes everything complicated. It makes everything hurt. It makes every song on the radio s0 much more depessing. And the same with dissapointment. You cant trust anyone anymore. Everyone lies. Everyone breaks promises. You break my heart again, and life will have to go on. But its so hard, the world doesnt stop spinning just because you fall down and can't get up yet. So you have to get up. Let it hurt, because its going to. But smile through the pain. Dont let the tears fall during the day. Dont let the hurt affect your life. Let him want her. Let him be happy with her. The only one responsible for your happiness is YOU. You control your life. You control your mood on any given day. "What if?" is just a state of mind, so is heart break. No one is worth all the tears that are shed from my eyes on any given night. Yet the tears still fall and people everywhere still have broken hearts. Because "What if?" and heartbreak are one in the same.

Even the best fall down sometimes.

Sometimes life comes to a point where nothing makes sense. Nothing is like it used to be, and you don't know when it all changed. And you find yourself wondering, is this where I am supposed to be? Life is confusing, the world keeps spinning no matter if you're ready to move on or not. The world doesn't stop so you can catch up, sometimes you just have to hold your head up and work a little harder. Relationships are the same way. One person makes a mistake, and there is no reverse or undo button to fix it. You just have to suck it up, and work at it. And sometimes, there is no forgiveness. Sometimes one of you, or both of you, are just to bitter and stubborn to fix anything. "We're like fire and gasoline, I'm no good for you, you're no good for me". But there is that magnetic pull, that one thing that keeps you running back, no matter how many mean names were exchanged or what hurtful things were done. But as much as you want to be right there with them, there is a part of you that is screaming "they deserve better than you, you are an awful person, you don't treat them as good as you used to...as good as someone else might treat them." Yet, you're stuck. Its too hard to leave, but it's not like it was a year or two ago. It's so mch different. Especially at this age, we are ever changing. We mature, we learn who we are, we try and figure out where we belong in this world. And we realize what we are meant to do in life. We realize how much work its going to be to get where we want to be in five years. And there is only one person we want right there with us. But they are doing something with their life too. They aren't opening a bakery, they are on a completely different path, with much different options. And it hurts. It freaking sucks. And its all you can think about, because being without them is like losing a part of you. Because for the last year, or more, they have been there for you. they have been with you every step of the way. Cheering you on and catching you when you fall. Good days and Bad. Through the smiles, fights, tears, and laughter, its been the both of you... Is it so wrong to want to hold on to that? Is it bad to keep familiarity and love around even when you know it may hold one of you down? Is it so awful to want to be together, no matter how unhealthy? please, I just need a sign....

Some of the best advice I've ever found

Starting today, this is my goal.

100 ways to UNCOMPLICATE YOUR LIFE

are you kidding me?

The things we say to people we love. The way we act to the people we love. Screaming. Fighting. Doing things we know they hate when we're mad. "go strangle yourself, save me some trouble". "f*** you. I hate you". "I hope you die in a hole". Curses under our breath. Threats to leave. Threats of never speaking to them again. "FINE I guess i'll talk to you when you pull your head out of you ass". "you don't love me".

Is this love? or are we kidding ourselves.
like a good friend asked me the other day, "how can you be sure this is the real deal at 18?"
truth is. even as we get older, we still may never know.

"It's hard to be the one that stays"

"It's only 3 weeks. Its only 3 weeks. Its only 3 weeks" That may sound good in theory but in reality, 3 weeks is a life time to not be held, not be kissed, not be loved. Especially when that's the longest its been in a long time. Its hard to be lonely all the time. Its hard to live alone, especially for me. I'm afraid. Very afraid. What if I get attacked? What if I die and nobody notices for weeks? 3 weeks is an eternity. I miss you with my entire being, every second of every day. and it hurts. Its hard to be the one that is away from home with no one to fall back on. Its hard to be the one that moves away. and I know its hard to be the one that stays baby. I know its hard for you too. and I know you are lonely. But only 9 more days. I wish I was rich. I wish I could come running back to you every weekend. I wish we were together every day. I wish loving you was easier. <3

smile for me sunshine.

I hate to see such a pretty face cry. You are my best friend, and I can't stand to see you hurting. You are so much better than that, he is useless and it really isn;t worth it. yeah I know I do the same thing, but it breaks my heart to see it hurting you that way. You are beautiful inside and out, and never let anybody tell you any different. No one metters anyways. I will always love you, and I believe deep down, that's what matters. We don't need boys, we don't need haters, we don't need doubts, or disbelievers. We don't need the path to fall straight in front of us, we like the adventure of finding it. All of our lives have been battlefields, and we all have learned the tricks to survival, so remember those tricks now sunshine, and smile for me. because when you smile the whole room lights up, and everyone notices truely how beautiful you are.